8 years ago
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Blah...
I have been debating with myself back and forth on whether or not I should post this. I'm hoping that by putting it all out there, it will help me to feel better, or that someone will comment with the insight that I need. This is not to get attention, or to make anyone feel bad for me, it's just my life, and how I'm feeling right now. This is something I have fought on and off for a long time, and I guess I have never been honest with myself about it... I feel like Katy Perry's proverbial "paper bag"- and I just can't find the firework in me. I'm struggling with my self worth. I don't know why it is so bad for me right now. And, because of it, all of my relationships are suffering. I feel like a third wheel; like I'm just not good enough. Like no matter how hard I try, it's just not enough. I have been trying everything I can think of to move past it, but, so far, nothing is working. I feel like I'm drowning; it's like depression, but different. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward while I am stuck. What makes it worse is that, when I feel like this, I tend to push everyone away, when what I really need is a shoulder to cry on. It's so frustrating. I can see the logical side, and I try so hard to respond logically, but I'm so overwhelmed by these feelings. I just don't know how to get out of this hole...
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13 comments:
Oh tasheena your not alone! I feel the same way! I wish you lived closer I'd be your shoulder!!! I'm so sorry. I am in slump right now, and go through that a lot. I feel like i don't do anything, I have no close friends and I just feel out of place everywhere. It's hard. But then when I do get invited I don't want to go. I think part of it is life as a mother a stay at home mother. I think we all put pressure on our selves to be the best, my kid does this, I have this and so on. It's the whole keeping up with the jones thing for me. Oh wow! Really I feel the same way. I'm so sorry! Trent and I say all the time how we don't have a group of friends to hang out with. We have friends but not good friends. I don't know. I feel like I see everyone around me is happy doing fun stuff and I just feel blah! Imsorry I'm not much help but lately what's helped me is exercise! I know it sounds crazy but it helps clear my head. There is a wonderful blog I read daily called littlemissmama.blogspot.com. She is amazing and basically doesn't sugar coat anything she tells it like it is. Hards days as a mother, feeling down etc. Love u girl. I hope you find a good place. If you do help me. Haha and I get it. It's not depression it's just blah!
Oh honey. Your friend is right. You are not alone! I have a quote on my FB page that I love and often re-read to remind myself that this is only temporary.
There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you. As the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith: “Thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment"
Also go look up the lyrics to Pink's new song..."F...ing Perfect" Here's the part that I especially love and try to remember but really while the title is questionable the message, the edited version, fits so many of us. You are beautiful and I love you dearly. I would love love love for you to be part of my "people" Honestly, Heavenly Father has given us each other for a reason. While we have family that we love and adore, there are often times places that only a friend can fulfill with in us. Just remember you are loved and you totally "fit in" you are gorgeous and as nice and kind as you are beautiful. Until we talk again tell yourself this part from that song...."Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead" It's taken a little bit of spiritual medicine, holistic treatment and a couple traditional meds but the depressive self loathing can be beat. I promise. I am fighting that battle myself everyday. You can do it. I love you!
Everyone is different but I've been there. For me the reason I felt down in the dumps was because with all I was juggling in life, I felt like I was losing my identity. No time for me, no time to enjoy the things I wanted to, it was all about everyone else all the time. I sat down, wrote a list of things I wanted to start working on, not as a wife, not as an employee, but things that I simply wanted to do on my own (take a cooking class, go see a chic flick with friends once a month) and I found that helped me. I also started making a list, every day, of 10 things I was thankful for. 5 of the things could be anything, but the other 5 had to be specific things about myself. The last 5 were always hard, but thinking about the good things in myself, after a week or so, made me feel better.
Also, I think the winter gives you the blues. Maybe take a quick trip tanning... I know it is not good for you, but if you only go once, I (personally) think it is fine. The heat feels amazing and it will give you a Vitamin D boost, which most women are lacking anyway, and especially in the winter. Oh, and maybe start taking some B vitamins. They are known to help improve your mood.
Finally, if needed, sometimes it is nice to talk with an unbias person... I went and saw a therapist last year and got everything off my chest to someone who didn't get defensive or dismiss my feelings as "nothing".
I'd be happy to help you out with ANYTHING. If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't take anyone up on there offers (though they'd be appreciated, I am just not the type to reach out - as in call people, etc - generally because I feel so shy), but really, we could go for walks on Saturday mornings or something, or whatever. You could talk about life and I could ask you how to get hot like you. :) You just keep me posted.
When you work out of your funk, I hope you'll post again and let us know what worked for you.
PS. (HOLY NOVEL) I absolutely adore this quote from Elder Uchtdorf (I shared it on my blog recently, so sorry for the repition) "And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."
That Picture of Avery on the side of your blog is to die for cute, love it!
I think what you are going through is such a normal life cycle, anyone who claims that they don't feel in the dumps at times is denying life. I have been in the spiritual dumps for years. I know where I want to be, I just can't seem to get there! It is beyond frustrating. I do know when I do the small things in my life, I feel like I might reach that place I have been seeking for. Study the scriptures, strengthen my relationship with God through prayer, attend the temple, and serve. The hardest part for me is to develop my desire into action. My favorite thing I learned at Education Week this year was, it's OK to pray for the desire to do the things we know that makes us happy.
I must agree with the person who said make time for you! Find a hobby or talent that you have always wanted to develop. You make amazing cakes, take a cake class.
I couldn't post all in one so we will see how many it takes;).
Being a stay at home mom is tough work! I read this short story a few weeks ago and loved it.
'Im invisible - The invisible Mom.
Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more.
Invisible Mothers
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.
Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible - The invisible Mom.
Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more.
"Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?"
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'
I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?'
I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner,celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.
It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built,
and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man,
'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof?
No one will ever see it.'
And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will
become.'
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime
because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Great Job, MOM!
Tashina you are an amazing mother. You will find your way out of the funk you are in. When the sun comes out and the snow melts life is better. I hope the Invisible mom story was not to long.
Hey Tish, your post makes me cry! You're such a good mom and wife and it makes me feel so sad to think you would feel anything but pride and peace with all that you've accomplished. I mean seriously, you're living your life so admirably, but at the same time, I totally understand because just like all the other women have said, it seems that everyone goes through hard times. No matter how much we love our kids, they can drive us nuts! Same with spouse :) But I know that hearing these types of things can make you feel better for a minute, but something has to change to help you get out of a funk. This is going to sound crazy, but for me moving to Las Vegas has made me happier. Not the actual moving here, or the city, but I think what changed when I moved. We're trying to have as little debt as possible, so we have a goal to not buy any new clothes, eat out, or spend any money on entertainment while we're in law school. And we don't have cable. And until recently our only computer was Jonathan's school laptop, so I never got on the internet at home. (Ash just gave us her old one.) While this all might sound depressing, I think it's helped me appreciate all the little things and forget about what doesn't really matter. And now instead of finding happiness in new clothes and pedicures, I have to enjoy the simple things because that's all I've got! And I'm not out shopping thinking about all the things I wished I had and all the style I wished I had! I don't know if this makes a lot of sense, but I've noticed I'm much less stressed and enjoy life more than I did before. And earning free movie tickets on your cereal boxes is much more exciting when you know it's the only movie you'll be seeing for the next 3 years. I'm not saying you have to strip down to a bare bones budget like we have to, and in fact I really don't even know what I'm telling you to do, not really anything, just telling you what I think has helped me. Since I know if I was in your shoes I would want to cry on a shoulder, and when I was done I would want someone to tell me how to fix it. I know I have a ridiculously long torso, but unfortunately even I can't stretch all the way up there to be your shoulder to cry on, so I'll just tell you something that might help. ;) And just so you know, I know you guys are really good budgeters already so it's not like you need advice in this area. But I do think not being on facebook, reading blogs, shopping, and watching hardly any tv has helped me get rid of unrealistic expectations of how perfect I think everyone else is and instead just enjoy what I have. I don't even know if these are the types of feelings your feeling or if yours are something different, but hopefully something someone says on here will spark an idea that you can implement that will make a world of difference for you, and then you need to post again and tell the rest of us so that we can apply it to our lives too. :) Or maybe, you just need to take a little trip down here to sunshineland and we'll go park hopping all day and get some great Vitamin D and then we can talk about all the great ideas you have. Or we can just talk about getting free stuff on cereal boxes... cuz let me tell you, I'm not an expert on that one! :) Love you Tish! Really, I do! Call me soon and let me know when you'll be coming down for a little getaway! And you can bring the kids, we'd love it!
By the way, I meant I'm "now" an expert on getting free stuff. Ha. Boy that makes me sound super cheap. Oh well, I guess I am! Really you should come down, maybe you need a little break. I know my kids need some positive examples on how to play nicely with your sibling! So let's have your little sweethearts come and teach them that okay?
Tashena, it's not you, it's this time of year. January is such a blah time of year and creeps into February unfortunately. I remember having a house full of kids and felt like I had no identity. I was either someone's wife or someone's mother, I never simply was myself. I think the thing that made me feel better was doing service. When you do service, you feel so good about what you have done and that you have done it that it never fails to bring your spirits up. You have such a beautiful family but you already know that. It's not that you don't know how lucky you are and what you have, it's simply sometimes life just gives us more than we can bare at times. Try not to let it get to you and remember that you help people in your life more than you will ever know and that you are doing the most important thing every day that you could ever do. You are loved.
If I ever came to church I could totally be your shoulder to lean on! I've been feeling similarly-hence my absence. But, girl, let me tell you my secret to dealing with this kind of stuff (it would seem like better advice if i weren't currently dealing with the same issues) but I think we can use each other to get out of our funk. Whenever I feel like a "paper bag" (in my case, one that is in flames and filled with poop), I try to look outside myself to see other people's troubles and focus my energy toward helping them.
It totally makes it so you have a greater appreciation for your situation and for whatever skills you are able to use to lift up the people around you. And you don't even have to try--just being around you totally makes me happy!
We should probably hang out sometime.
Love you, girl!
Let's get together!
Maybe just a little girl time will help! I'm a great listener and have been there myself. text me girl! I will make time whenever for you!
LOVE YOU!
Jacque
8018671876
Oh Tashina! I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. I think we all feel like this sometimes...I know I totally do. I feel like there is nothing more I can say that the people above me haven't said, but I would LOVE to get together sometime, especially since we live so close to each other!
so many comments, I will make it short: loose yourself in the service to others and you will find yourself again.
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